In homeschool forums, I frequently see people debating if their “gifted” four or five year old should skip a grade, even if they are homeschooling. In general, my answer is no, don’t skip ahead. But the reason is SO much more complicated than that. Let’s dive into what it means to be gifted and what the educational struggles actually are for these kids. Are they really gifted or is something else going on?

Gifted

Let me start with saying, “gifted” or having a very high IQ, is a form of neurodiversity. If your child is in fact gifted, they have complex educational needs. In some areas, these kids do benefit from moving ahead faster than their peers, but that doesn’t mean they are actually more mature than other kids their age. For example, a gifted 7-year-old may be able to read any book they pick up, but that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to read mature adult content. The same way you wouldn’t try to teach a typical child about the AIDS epidemic at that age, your gifted 7-year-old should not be asked to process adult level social problems. Does that mean they won’t notice them? No. If your 7-year-old is reading the news, you may find yourself trying to explain a lot of things neither of you are ready for.

Gifted kids, who do not have other learning disabilities holding them back, are often ready to read, write, spell and do math at a higher level than their peers. They may memorize facts easily and ask questions that require more thought to answer than typical kids do. What they usually do not do, is develop social or emotional skills faster than their peers. They may even lag behind some in those areas, as it can be hard to find peers who match their energy for play. If you have the opportunity to find your gifted child a playmate who matches their language skills, I recommend more than any educational activity, you put your energy into doing playdates.

I have a child who was verbally gifted, who thought other kids hated her at an age when the other kids had literally not learned to talk yet. She literally said to me at a party for 2 year olds, “The other kids hate me, they won’t talk to me.” Explaining the other kids had literally not learned to talk in sentences yet was one of the weirder parenting moments I had had to that point. Thank goodness I was able to get on an online forum and find a friend for her who was also verbally gifted. I truly believe that this early friendship helped her develop social skills that would have otherwise been difficult for her. She needed a child her age to play with who spoke her language, so she could learn to share and compare and compromise.

I will absolutely die on the hill of saying the most important thing you can do for your gifted child is make sure they develop social skills and that those are usually more hard-won than any educational skill. For this reason, simply worrying about skipping grades is just putting your energy in the wrong place.

When It isn’t JUST Gifted

The term “twice exceptional” was never taught to me in college. It was left out of our textbooks back then. What is it? Twice exceptional is when a child is both gifted and has a learning disability. This is the kind of thing you don’t realize when your child is four or five. As a loving parent, you may see only the gifts and not the struggles. And their struggles may not have appeared yet! The signs of a learning disability in a four or five year old can be hard to tell from normal development, and are easily overlooked when a child has signs of giftedness. You think “that fine motor delay is just a small thing, they will catch up shortly.” But that often isn’t true. The little delay you see may be pointing at dysgraphia, for example. This pairing can mean that your child can read and understand 3 grade levels ahead, while also writing 3 grade levels behind.

Other complications like autism and ADHD can also be present in kids who have signs of giftedness. Sometimes, a brilliant memory looks like giftedness. Having a desire to learn deeply about a single subject to the point of being an adult level expert while in elementary school looks like giftedness. However, when the child doesn’t want to learn about typical things or can’t memorize math facts the way they memorized dinosaur facts, education can get tricky. Twice exceptional means that creating a quality education is twice as hard.

False Giftedness??

I’m not sure false gifted is the right word for it, but there are a few brain differences that look like giftedness but that isn’t what is going on. For example, hyperlexia, when a child spontaneously learns to read at an early age, looks gifted. I mean, who is going to tell you that having a five year old that reads chapter books isn’t gifted? But the real issue is that your child has a brain that processes visual language exceptionally well. That doesn’t mean that their brain is also ready to write or do math or even learn history at an advanced level. They might want to do those things, but they may just have a brain that can’t help but process words they see. This also doesn’t mean they can remember how to write or spell those words. So they actually are not ready to skip ahead in language arts, because they still have to work as hard as any other kid (or harder) to learn to write.

Having an incredible memory is also often confused with being gifted. SO much of what children learn in the early years is just memorization. Memorizing how to spell words, math facts, quotes, rhymes and even stories are all part of how we educate young kids. If your child can memorize things from a single exposure, that means they are gifted, right? Not always. Kids who only have a gifted memory, may have perfectly normal skills at logic and reasoning. This means that when they get to middle or high school, they are no longer several grade levels ahead. The logic and reasoning skills needed to do algebra, for example, may develop at the same rate as a typical child. This can mean that a child who worked far ahead in math for a while, because they could memorize what to do, finds themselves struggling because their brain needs to develop more before they start higher level math where the answers are more complex.

What I recommend

Whether your child is gifted, twice exceptional, or just has a wonderful memory, homeschooling is often the best choice. Public schools are struggling to provide an education for the masses, and are generally supposed to target the “average” child as the one getting an education. If your child is both ahead and behind, they usually don’t have a program for that. Instead of focusing on grade levels, I recommend focusing on making good social connections. The social skills your child develops in their early years, will last a lifetime. Find other kids that connect with your child.

Instead of skipping grade levels, work at your child’s pace and meet them where they are. Understand that they may hit a wall and their learning curve slows down to be closer to grade level as they grow. Sometimes, your child is the bunny that jumped ahead, but then their brain rested while the rest of the group caught up. That isn’t a bad thing. This phenomenon is most often seen at ages 8 and 13 in my experience. And there is nothing good or bad about that, as long as you know that brain development isn’t linear. It is messy and happens in jumps and pauses.

Let your child go deeper in their education. Let them make art. Let them explore their interests. Childhood is very short, don’t take away their childhood just because they are smart.