How to be a Happy SAHM

Lately, I’ve seen quite a few moms online talking about how they don’t enjoy staying home to homeschool their children. They are exhausted and unhappy. So, today I want to talk about what has kept me sane over the years when I’ve been staying home with the kids, without the outlet of work.

Enjoying the Little Things

I talk a lot here about enjoying homeschooling and what that looks like. However, that isn’t all that being a stay-at-home parent includes. It involves a lot of cooking, cleaning, and home management. It also includes a total lack of schedule or projects or deadlines, unless you create those. I do recommend you create your own schedule. It will make you feel more on track and organized. My daily schedule is loosely based around meals. Goal number one as a parent is making sure the kids are fed every day.

Cooking

My sanity relies on taking joy in the smaller parts of our day. I enjoy cooking good meals for my family. I didn’t always. I didn’t know how to cook when I got married. I knew the bare minimum of how to follow a recipe and how to reheat frozen meals. But I made a choice to learn to actually cook. For me, that included watching some cooking shows every day while I nursed the baby. I learned what it meant when the recipe said to “chop” vs. “finely chop” and “brown the meat.” It took a while before I felt I could do more than follow a recipe, but the time investment eventually paid off.

So, if you need to study up and learn to cook, that is time you deserve to take to train for your new job. As a bonus, you will be showing your kids that you also invest your time in learning things. So, you are setting a great example for your kids. It is also okay if not every meal turns out to be good. That is also an opportunity to set an example for your kids of how you handle mistakes, disappointment, and challenges. And when you serve a yummy meal, you get the satisfaction of a job well done.

I honestly enjoy the act of cooking now. I especially enjoy it when I can cook without my kids needing me. I enjoy plopping them in front of an educational show or book or whatever and just focusing on the act of cooking. It is almost a meditation for me.

However, I don’t make fancy breakfasts or lunches very often. Those meals are often simple and easy, and I save my larger investment of time and energy for dinner. I have also had to flex to meet the challenges of growing kids. These days, I love planning meals that will make leftovers we can eat another day. At one point, when the only time I had in the day that was calm enough to cook was 10 AM, I used the crockpot to make almost every dinner. The crockpot also saves me on days when I know our afternoon activities are going to wear me out.

Cleaning

Maybe you enjoy cleaning. I mean, I don’t, because it seems like things are dirty again in five minutes. However, some people get a real sense of satisfaction from organizing their home or cleaning at least part of it. Some moms enjoy folding laundry. Some enjoy organizing the toys so the kids can play with them better. When you do things you enjoy, be sure to take a few minutes to actually enjoy it.

Personally, I pair my housework with things I enjoy. I wash dishes while my best friend talks to me on the phone. I fold laundry while watching a show. I listen to music when doing bigger tasks. Doing those additional things helps me to feel more happy and satisfied with my life.

Finding Your Self

One of the hardest parts of being a stay-at-home parent is that you lose the identity you had through your career. At work, you might have been knocking it out of the park with your projects and presentations. You might have impressed major clients or helped make the world a better place. Now, you wipe butts and noses and your kid tells you that you did the wrong voice when you read them a story. Even if you wanted to stay home with your kids with everything you had, giving up that adult success can be hard.

Many of us identify ourselves through our jobs, our careers, and our degrees. For many, those things don’t translate well into homemaking or homeschooling. So when you start these new things at home, you may need to work on redefining who you see yourself as. Your new role might be super mom, but as a warning, that role is exhausting. I can only be super mom once a week, the rest of the week I’m “Good Enough Mom” and she’s cool too.

Hobbies

Here’s something you need to realize, even if your kids need you every minute of every day, you are allowed to have time for yourself. This might mean you ditch them with your partner one evening a week. It might mean you sit them in front of a screen for 30 minutes so you can focus. It might be you find a hobby you can do with the kids, or with them nearby.

But I want you to know that you are allowed to do something just for you. You are allowed to take that time. You are allowed to spend the money to buy supplies for your new hobby. You need to do what you need to do to feel whole and sane.

You may need to try several hobbies to figure out what you like. Crochet and knitting look the same from the outside, but one makes me feel at peace and the other makes me want to stab things. Painting can be done on a small scale in a sketchbook. Drawing, writing, or even just coloring are all options too. Look for something you want to try and give it a go.

**And if your spouse says you can’t have money to make reasonable purchases for your sanity, that sounds like financial abuse. Google that term, and see if it actually fits. If it does, you may need to re-evaluate your situation, return to work, have a separate bank account, and do what it takes to leave behind an abusive situation. While I love staying at home, I have a loving spouse who supports me and isn’t trying to keep me prisoner. Staying at home should not feel like jail.

Working for Your Sanity

There are two reasons to work outside the home while also homeschooling. One is because you need the money, and the other is because you need something beyond your life at home to help you stay sane. Both are valid. Some stay-at-home parents find that they are happiest working a few hours a week out of the house. They are able to find something that is part-time enough, it doesn’t stop them from homeschooling and it creates income for extras.

Others feel their time is best spent starting some form of home business. There are tons of ways to run a home business; selling crafts, tutoring, MLMs, or child care are all common options you may consider. Depending on your goals and energy, these can be hit or miss as far as making money from them.

However, doing them on a small scale can often help you feel better about yourself and what you are contributing. Some folks do have business skills and do very well financially creating home businesses, but I think it is important to realize they are most often the exception, not the norm. When starting any adventure, be careful about upfront costs and expectations. There are a lot of companies that will take advantage of you.

Friends

While there is nothing wrong with keeping up with work friends after you switch to staying at home, you may not have as much in common with them as you once did. Now is a good time for two specific kinds of friends. First, reach out to old friends, ones from high school or college if you have them.

Those friends who knew you before marriage, jobs, and kids know you best. These are friends you need to take time to go out to coffee with or talk to on the phone. They can remind you that you have done hard things before. They also have juicy gossip about the girl you both hated in that one class, or whatever happened to that teacher who harassed you. You have enjoyed their company for many years, keep doing that.

You also need to make some new friends who are also homeschooling or staying home with little ones, whichever you are doing. You can look for these people at local park days, homeschool co-ops, and other activities like library story time.

Once you meet new people who have potential, you have to figure out how to set up mom dates. This might mean playdates at local parks, meeting up with all the kids to go apple picking, or inviting them and their kids to your house. You can also set up nights out. I used to run a crochet and knitting night. I invited all the mamas I was friends with to bring their crafts and we met in the dinning area at a local grocery store to snack and create for a couple of hours each week. We all left the kids with the spouses and it was really good for all of us.

Sanity Is Complicated

All of this post is about finding ways to keep your sanity. I’ll be honest, there are days when no one can keep their cool. Days the kids paint the walls with Kool-Whip or put all the sugar in the floor to make a beach would test anyone. Don’t expect more of yourself than is reasonable. On those days that your kids would “Make a wooden man crazy” as my grandmother used to say, give yourself a break. Order takeout for dinner. When your spouse gets home, dump the kids and take a bubble bath. Take off the super mom cape and let yourself be ordinary. You and everyone else will be better off for the break.