I have an autistic child. I also have a family member who is sure that this child’s “social issues” would be cured if we just “socialized him more.” I can’t seem to explain to him that there is no amount of talking to other people that cures autism.
Understanding what makes “normal”.
Let’s talk about socialization and autism. First of all, autism is often diagnosed based on a child’s “inappropriate” responses to social situations. I put that in quotes because I disagree with that word choice. You see, once upon a time, there was a group of people who decided their brains functioned normally. Their social skills were normal. Their lifestyle was normal. And if you weren’t like them, you were abnormal. These people wrote a book, the DSM, and diagnosed everyone who’s brain worked differently than theirs as deviant.
Anyway, back to autism. So, an autistic person might not enjoy making eye contact. They may not make friends easily. They may have trouble understanding facial expressions and body language. They may struggle to make small talk because it seems pointless. They may have much more severe involvement and struggle with self-care or communication in general.
This doesn’t mean they can’t do those things. At least some of the time, autistic people learn to make eye contact, even though it makes them uncomfortable, and learn to fake small talk, even though they think it is stupid.
Masking to fit in.
When they learn to fake looking neurotypical this is called masking. What my family member really thinks is that my child should learn to mask better. He also has this false idea that masking is a great thing, and not uncomfortable to do.
In truth, I think we all mask some. We all have times that we are faking it at work or school. We pretend everything is fine, or we fake being cheerful when we don’t feel it. The thing to realize is that the amount of effort it takes to fake it is not equal for all people.
Personally, I like other people. It is easy for me to act happy and cheerful for my OT clients. I know that will make their session better, so I put on a smile, even if I am not feeling 100%. However, for the autistic folks I know, this is harder for them to do. For them, if they are feeling sick, socializing is really, really hard. Given the chance, they would rather be left alone to get work done on those days.
All of the autistic people in my life are at some level of introverted. They find social interactions draining, especially those with strangers and in large crowds. This doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy social interactions or have friends. It just means that they also need alone time to recharge.
They often expend a LOT of emotional energy to empathize with friends and family so their social battery can drain quickly. It isn’t that they can’t tell that other people have emotions, but it is easier to not experience other people’s emotions. Often, they can’t just sympathize and move on. If they care about a person, they go all the way to empathizing, quickly. This means that if their friend is sad, angry, or happy, they will experience that emotion with them. For this reason, they guard themselves from those deep connections. They don’t want to experience the drain.
Finding the right balance.
Now, as far as parenting and homeschooling your autistic child, I do recommend that you give them opportunities to socialize and make friends. It is also okay to keep that socialization to a modest level if that is what is most comfortable. Our family has flexed between having our children participate in various groups and just doing weekly playdates with friends. Each season of our lives has involved different amounts of socialization and as my children have grown older, they have had more voice in what they do and don’t participate in.
No matter how many friends an autistic person has, that doesn’t cure autism. There is no quantity of hours spent with others that will magically make an autistic person’s brain become more “typical.” As I said, I think we all mask sometimes, but most autistic people are happiest when they keep their masking to a minimum.
At this point, I’m considering telling my neurodivergent kids that the “normies” all have a special interest in the weather, to help ease the weirdness of small talk for them. But you do you.
About the Author
Laura Sowdon, OTR/L is an occupational therapist, writer, speaker, educator, and creator of the Five Senses Literature Lessons homeschool curriculum. She has worked as an occupational therapist with children in public and private schools, as well as private practice. Laura has taught and managed homeschool co-ops as well as homeschooling her own three children. Laura is dedicated to the idea of educating children at a pace that aligns with brain and physical development milestones and respects neurodiversity in all its forms.
